Gloomy days
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| off-screen selfie |
Two separate talks with two different people awoke me from my long reverie. This was last Wednesday. It has come back to perplex me, as I sit procrastinating.
I'd never learned before why they were in computer science. We've been in the program together since day one of beginner Java...I guess we are just used to each other, like characters in a Conrad novel. Anyway, it woke me up, as I say, to have these overdue conversations. He wanted to study political science or law, but decided comp sci was more promising for job prospects. Her post-graduation plan is primarily mine: to get a job. The common theme didn't surprise me, but I had a strange feeling, something like deja vu, to know they had other interests, first choices, if you will. Just like me - right?
This is my last year of college, and it's troubling me. I have everything working to my advantage. I like what I am learning and do not regret the choice. Still, this past fall and this winter, I keep going under the strong feeling that something isn't right. Listlessness is normal enough for me...procrastination is not. Pointless feelings of dissatisfaction are not.
I had dreams before college. I was going to be a music major. Then I was going to major in computer science, but write books on the side. As it turns out, I haven't finished any books since entering college. But it's worse than that, since I write very little at all, and reading has become a chore. (That's the real heartbreaker.)
Maybe it's because I've come back full circle to my childhood ambitions, where I wanted to read and learn and do a hundred new things. The difference today is not even so much a matter of time (I have enough free time), but the list of things I want to do is overwhelming (exponentially greater than 100), and starting something new is so painfully difficult - not because learning is harder (it isn't), but my mind is so cluttered.
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I've been hoping to find some reason or resolution for this post, but I guess this is just one of those journal entries. ;) Well, it's high time to sign off and do the assignment. I haven't given up on 'childhood ambitions'; tomorrow, I'll try extra hard.
Oh! I hope this disconcerting feeling will pass, and that you'll feel less cluttered to be able to explore freely. It's okay if the things you loved aren't as interesting anymore, sometimes we tend to cycle through things and then come back to them again. :)
ReplyDeleteP.S. I'm creating a new private blog for memoir prose and poems, and I'd like to invite you once I get it set up. If you're interested, please reply with your email or send it to midmorningbells [at] gmail :)
ReplyDeleteI’ll be praying for you, Marian. I know these sorts of feelings too well. ‘. . . I write very little at all, and reading has become a chore.’ It’s the same way with me, and it is disappointing. A ‘cluttered mind’ can be such a burden to bear.
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